Looking for the key to the real world

I didn't realise until a few months ago just how much I relay on the Internet for social interaction.  At that time I had a severe, life threatening reaction to a new pain medication.  I was filled with rage, thought of suicide, valiance.  There were also changed to a forum, that to me was home, that did away with the one thing I desperately needed to keep my business on line.  Every day is a struggle, and this one thing was a lifeline, a goal to reach for.  Something to share with others reaching for the same goal. 

I tried to explain what this meant to me, but no one understood.  I got frustrated, then I got angry, then I was out of control.  I started crying and couldn't stop.  I wanted to yell and scream, and I wanted to just stop living and never start again.  I barely had it together enough to realize that something serious was going on and to send out a cry for help.

By then it was too late.  I got a message that I was on moderation, my PM was shut down, and I could be baned without notice.  I almost died that night.  I had cried for help and instead was pushed away and forcefully segregated from the only friends I have.  They were right there on the screen, but I couldn't reach out to them, and they couldn't reach out to me.  I don't know if this was a group decision, or the actions of one person, all I know is I came to close to dieing as a result.

My parents realized what was going on, stopped the medication, and set up a 24 hour suicide watch.  They, my sister, and both cats were there every second of the week end until I could get in to see my DR.  They were there for most of the next week keeping watch, and keeping me safe.  I was truly blessed.

I tried to participate in the forum, but my posts didn't show up for six to twelve hours after I made them.  You can't participate in a rapidly developing, off the top of your head, conversation that way!  Then to be remained with each and ever post that there was a wall between me and the others, that to all intent and purposes I had become a ghost, unseen and, I truly fell, unwanted.  Well it just wasn't going to work out, the medicine induced depression thrived on the situation.  My Dr said, quite forcefully, I was to leave the forum.   My parents and sister agreed, and so I left and haven't been back.

To my forum friends who are reading this.  I miss you.  I miss you a lot!  Leaving was a hard choice, but under the circumstances leaving was the only choice and it was a life saving one.

As I slowly recover from this, and look around me, I realizes that I've lost touch with the real world.  I don't have any real life friend.  Acquaintances yes, but not anyone who I feel like calling up, just to pass the time of day, and no one who would call me up for the same.  I'm not even sure I want friends anymore.  Not the close kind.  Not the kind that can break your heart.  And that scares me.  I've always been a loner, always felt most comfortable on my own, but everyone needs someone to talk to, or to set and enjoy the quiet with from time to time.  I don't have that, beyond my family, not in the real world.  I don't even know if it is to be found, here in the little bit of no where that I call home.