Today, well yesterday by now, was a enormously fantabulous day!
First off I woke up with NO pain. Not a even a twinge. Sure the normal fibro ouchies came back once I got up and moving, but the massive flair up that's kept me in bed for most of the last four weeks has taken itself else where and good riddance says I!
Second, I had a nice big box from Rings and Things come in full of all kinds of fun and wonderful stuff. Files, and polishing cloth, beading needles, a bur cup, bead reamers, Polly clay, a whole stack of gemstone donuts, LOS gel, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember right now. Oh, and a huge lamp-work bead that makes the most fantastic spindle and just happens to be around the same size of the one on etsy that I've been drooling. Now that I know that size bead will work, next time I have some spare cash that baby's mine!
Third, the pharmacy finally got my vitamin D RX straitened out, so I've have like twice the energy today then I've had in ages and ages.
Fourth, I found out that medicaid will pay for seasonale, or it's generic counterpart at any rate. Wahoo!!!!! No more losing two weeks out of every month to low hormone depression. No more week long migraine. No more borderline anemia. No more feeling like I'm completely out of control and having to worry what I'm going to do or say next. Happy dance!!!!!!!! Happy dance!!!!!!! And think you Lord!!!!!!
I'm so looking forward to getting acquainted with the real me, the one that's down to earth, level headed and optimistic. Mz Hide has overstayed her welcome and I'm giving her the boot!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Looking for the key to the real world
I didn't realise until a few months ago just how much I relay on the Internet for social interaction. At that time I had a severe, life threatening reaction to a new pain medication. I was filled with rage, thought of suicide, valiance. There were also changed to a forum, that to me was home, that did away with the one thing I desperately needed to keep my business on line. Every day is a struggle, and this one thing was a lifeline, a goal to reach for. Something to share with others reaching for the same goal.
I tried to explain what this meant to me, but no one understood. I got frustrated, then I got angry, then I was out of control. I started crying and couldn't stop. I wanted to yell and scream, and I wanted to just stop living and never start again. I barely had it together enough to realize that something serious was going on and to send out a cry for help.
By then it was too late. I got a message that I was on moderation, my PM was shut down, and I could be baned without notice. I almost died that night. I had cried for help and instead was pushed away and forcefully segregated from the only friends I have. They were right there on the screen, but I couldn't reach out to them, and they couldn't reach out to me. I don't know if this was a group decision, or the actions of one person, all I know is I came to close to dieing as a result.
My parents realized what was going on, stopped the medication, and set up a 24 hour suicide watch. They, my sister, and both cats were there every second of the week end until I could get in to see my DR. They were there for most of the next week keeping watch, and keeping me safe. I was truly blessed.
I tried to participate in the forum, but my posts didn't show up for six to twelve hours after I made them. You can't participate in a rapidly developing, off the top of your head, conversation that way! Then to be remained with each and ever post that there was a wall between me and the others, that to all intent and purposes I had become a ghost, unseen and, I truly fell, unwanted. Well it just wasn't going to work out, the medicine induced depression thrived on the situation. My Dr said, quite forcefully, I was to leave the forum. My parents and sister agreed, and so I left and haven't been back.
To my forum friends who are reading this. I miss you. I miss you a lot! Leaving was a hard choice, but under the circumstances leaving was the only choice and it was a life saving one.
As I slowly recover from this, and look around me, I realizes that I've lost touch with the real world. I don't have any real life friend. Acquaintances yes, but not anyone who I feel like calling up, just to pass the time of day, and no one who would call me up for the same. I'm not even sure I want friends anymore. Not the close kind. Not the kind that can break your heart. And that scares me. I've always been a loner, always felt most comfortable on my own, but everyone needs someone to talk to, or to set and enjoy the quiet with from time to time. I don't have that, beyond my family, not in the real world. I don't even know if it is to be found, here in the little bit of no where that I call home.
I tried to explain what this meant to me, but no one understood. I got frustrated, then I got angry, then I was out of control. I started crying and couldn't stop. I wanted to yell and scream, and I wanted to just stop living and never start again. I barely had it together enough to realize that something serious was going on and to send out a cry for help.
By then it was too late. I got a message that I was on moderation, my PM was shut down, and I could be baned without notice. I almost died that night. I had cried for help and instead was pushed away and forcefully segregated from the only friends I have. They were right there on the screen, but I couldn't reach out to them, and they couldn't reach out to me. I don't know if this was a group decision, or the actions of one person, all I know is I came to close to dieing as a result.
My parents realized what was going on, stopped the medication, and set up a 24 hour suicide watch. They, my sister, and both cats were there every second of the week end until I could get in to see my DR. They were there for most of the next week keeping watch, and keeping me safe. I was truly blessed.
I tried to participate in the forum, but my posts didn't show up for six to twelve hours after I made them. You can't participate in a rapidly developing, off the top of your head, conversation that way! Then to be remained with each and ever post that there was a wall between me and the others, that to all intent and purposes I had become a ghost, unseen and, I truly fell, unwanted. Well it just wasn't going to work out, the medicine induced depression thrived on the situation. My Dr said, quite forcefully, I was to leave the forum. My parents and sister agreed, and so I left and haven't been back.
To my forum friends who are reading this. I miss you. I miss you a lot! Leaving was a hard choice, but under the circumstances leaving was the only choice and it was a life saving one.
As I slowly recover from this, and look around me, I realizes that I've lost touch with the real world. I don't have any real life friend. Acquaintances yes, but not anyone who I feel like calling up, just to pass the time of day, and no one who would call me up for the same. I'm not even sure I want friends anymore. Not the close kind. Not the kind that can break your heart. And that scares me. I've always been a loner, always felt most comfortable on my own, but everyone needs someone to talk to, or to set and enjoy the quiet with from time to time. I don't have that, beyond my family, not in the real world. I don't even know if it is to be found, here in the little bit of no where that I call home.
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